This Is Not Based On A True Story...It Is A True Story As Unbelieveable As It Is!

To begin this bizarre tale of ultra chic and fabulous ladies, off kilter restaurant owners and adorable weinheimers who secretly want to eat our beloved heroine's face, I should like to express my deepest regret to Christa at her having missed this trip to the outer limits of the twilight zone. And to quote our favorite literary character, the evening began on an odd note and just got "curiouser and curiouser."
Our tale of intrigue begins outside of Peet's coffee as I get into Eggbert, the best car in the world, and turn slightly to my left to find one of Hillcrest's finest homeless men taking a grand ol wiz into the bushes whilst giving me the most delighted smile.
I then drive to La Jolla to meet our other heroine, Yelena, whose life also parallels that of the Twilight Zone (the jury's still out on who attracts more oddities). Of course, when Yelena and I are together, are powers of strange are magnetically linked to harness trips into parallel universes of inexplicable events. I refuse to believe these things can happen in our reality, so I choose to believe we take mini holidays into some wormhole or even the Forbidden Zone.
So I take a little drive while undoubtedly rocking out to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Who doesn't love a good drive while belting out some 80's tunes off key...very off key.
I get to Yelena's and we all get in the Benzie, which basically means a car ride of Zeus trying to eat my face. He's a lovable little 70 pound dog, but I have formed quite the attachment to my face.
Anyway, we decide to go to Bull and Bear in downtown La Jolla because it's uber dog friendly and Yelena has $10 off. Right off the bat everyone is showing Zeus love, no one can resist his big eyes and suave dog charm. This leads to a Venezuelan couple talking to us. Despite my incessant ability to talk about nothing and everything, I always find it odd when random people decide to strike up a conversation with me. But they were nice...and they were awesome company for witnessing the events of the night unfold.
Within a few minutes, this blonde woman walks up to our table and starts lovin all over Zeus. Yelena asks her if she remembers Zeus from the last time they were there, and the woman responds with a lost, vapid look. Then she perks up and says "Girlfriend we have the same jacket. We're totally best friends. It's too bad you're not on the West Coast" and shakes the hand of Yelena, who indeed does have the same jacket, and does a European double cheek kiss with her. She fondles the dog more, then comes back to Yelena, mentions the West Coast, shakes her hand and kisses her.
By this point, I am questioningly looking at this bizarre tableau of familiarity and am wondering who this woman is because my little Ukranian bestie is certainly not into all this touching and kissing.
So after a good ten minutes of petting, kissing, and mention of the West Coast, the woman gives us some breathing air, which is terrific because I am damn near hysterics. I ask Yelena who she is and how she knows her, and she responds with wide, slightly frightened eyes that she does not know her...she is just the OWNER of the restaurant who Yelena had met the last time.
Yelena had gone with Rody and Zeus a few weeks back and the lady had been very friendly and repeated the three same phrases over and over again; however, there had been no kissing before. The three phrases were: What a beautiful dog; I have a chocolate lab; and I just want to take your dog for a walk. So obviously, not too weird that time...just a little over-friendly.
After ordering, crazy owner lady comes back and returns to her ritual of petting Zeus and molesting Yelena. She kept saying "Don't tell anyone," and I couldn't figure out if she meant not to tell anyone that they had the same jacket, which she was incessantly pointing out, or if she was making some type of lesbianic pass at Yelena and didn't want anyone to know.
A million more cheek kisses passed. Crazy again said "It's too bad you're on the West Coast" to which our Ukrainian heroine replied "I am on the West Coast," which thoroughly confused Crazy so much that she went back to bending over right in front of me in her short dress and sexually harassing poor Zeus.
It became undeniably apparent that Crazy was drunk. I was unaware that to be a successful restaurant owner you should be wasted and all over your guests. Now that I know this, I feel I should open a restaurant with a clientele solely made of attractive young men. But I digress, back to our story of nuts displaying their butts to unsuspecting patrons of their sub par restaurant.
So Nutty McNutterson (been hanging out with Steph far too much) is now focusing all of her short attention span on Zeus. In fact, she is now sticking her hand into his mouth which is causing her hand to become scratched. Of course, she is so blitzed she doesn't even realize that his teeth are wreaking minor havoc on her hand. I'm actually pretty sure she was trying to French kiss the dog who we all know wants to eat my face!!
Yelena, being the responsible dog owner that she is, gives the Nutcase a bone to save her hand from any further infliction. She begins to thrust said bone in Zeus mouth and is becoming even more ludicrous by the moment. We look away from this tragic scene for one second, and turn back to find Crackhead crawling on her hands and knees, in a dress no less. She is crawling toward the Venezuelans' table where the bone has gone. Yelena tries to get the attention of the man so that he can grab the bone before the restaurant owner drunkenly crawls on all fours underneath his table; but, alas, she is too late and wackjob is underneath the table reaching for the bone.
We are doing our best to ignore her and avoid more face rape for Yelena. Fate smiles on us and brings one of Crazy's employees out to distract her. At this point, I am beginning to feel that Nutso is just an embarrassment to all these poor souls trying to earn a buck. I hear him say "I'm glad you're back." How could I not resist whispering to Yelena "from rehab?" But, seriously, was she just back from rehab??
The employee then says goodbye and leaves the restaurant. Crazy lets out a girlish giggle and chases after employee, dog bone in hand. We're just happy to be able to begin eating our dinner and pray that she doesn't return until we are done.
You probably think the story is nearing conclusion or that it couldn't get any weirder. But, if you truly know Yelena and myself then you know are auras are actually magnetic fields which attract the queerest of the queer and strangest of the strange. So you would know, the best is yet to come...
We are nearing the end of our meal, and Crazy comes back. She still has bone in hand, but walks right by us without returning the bone. Yelena and I are engaged in conversation when I look up and see Nutter Butter with the dog bone between two fingers a la cigarette and a lighter in the other hand. I have to rub my eyes in disbelief as I see her stick the dog bone into her mouth and try to light it!! I have heard that a dog's mouth is in actuality cleaner than the human mouth, but there is no way in a hell I would ever stick something that a canine had been chewing on into my mouth!!
The dog bone entered and exited her mouth several times. Of course, Yelena didn't even want the bone back. So we choose to try to salvage the rest of our evening with some good conversation with the Venezuelans. Of course, the night couldn't get any weirder, right?
Mid-conversation I look up to find that the restaurant owner has taken off her jacket and pulled down the top of her dress so that her bra was completely exposed! She let her braed boobies hang out for a bit and then instead of pulling the dress back up, she just put her jacket back on.
We go back to our conversation. Now it truly couldn't get any stranger, right?
I hear a man sneeze! So I inadvertently look up to find our three sheets to the wind...scratch that...infinity sheets to the wind hostess sitting on the lap of a man in a wheel chair. Poor man, he can't even run away. She is covering his face in kisses while he keeps sneezing. He keeps trying to wipe the snot away, but she keeps kissing him. I can't decide which is more disturbing...dog bones in mouth or sneeze kisses?
She broke a glass shortly thereafter and disappeared into the back. Probably for another shot. We close our tab and give them the $10 off coupon, which was the whole reason we went there. We get the bill back and I notice that the $10 was not even deducted. I'm about to go inside to say something when Drunky Drunk and the Funky Bunch comes out and starts fondling Zeus again. I look up at Yelena and say "I don't care about the $10...let's go!" So Yelena has to help Crazy up off the floor and we leave...
Poor Zeus was so riled up that he jumped up and bit my stomach a little down the road. I, of course, screamed, which was slightly embarrassing. But his love bite did no damage, and thankfully he didn't eat my face.
In closing, if you need a little weird in your life, hang out with Yelena and me. We don't just get dinner...we also get a free show!!

And so you can get the full scope of the story, I thought I'd share some pictures of the adorableness that is the face-eating Zeus for you.

And here's a lovely one of me trying to feed him a few months ago. We are totally besties when he's not trying to lift up my dress in public places.